Blogging Endeavor
It’s time, and I can feel it. I get this way before my life changes. Maybe my new blogging endeavor will bring me opportunities I’ve never even considered.
I’m trying to change my life in a real way, but my anxiety has put a damper on my new passion project.
I am a hobbyist writer and professionally a sonographer of more than twenty years. I’ve been mulling over going per diem for many reasons. I’m scared. I do love my career, but it has beaten up my body so much over two decades. I hope to be able to throw my grandkids in the air someday.
Several months back, I thought about building a blog, but I had no idea what a blog even was. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m trying and that is extremely fulfilling.
With writing, I often get lost in reminiscent flashbacks of my youth. This has been far better than I ever imagined and it’s truly done wonders for my anxiety.
I began writing about different subjects meaningful to me and enjoyed it thoroughly. However, once it came to the blog-building part, I would sit at my computer and stare at the WordPress/Bluehost dashboard and feel like I was going to puke. I feel this way today.
Anxiety. My anxiety presents as, well, more like produces— vomit. 🤷🏻♀️ The quick, sly, tweaker kind of upchuck I can easily conceal. Unless I’m caught off guard. Then… then, my spew meets your shoe. I apologize in advance.
‘That ought to keep people away from me. I. Miss. Quarantine.’
Every time I would sit at my computer I would feel this way and start to get discouraged. I mentioned it to Dan and his response was so simple.
“Why don’t you hire someone?”
‘Fucking brilliant!’
I find it cathartic writing my personal experiences, but— I am not a tech-savvy person despite operating a very expensive computer to earn a living.
I’m having technical difficulties. It’s a work in progress and I don’t really have a ton of time to dedicate to my new love… or do I? Going per diem would afford me the time to work on my blog, but it will also not afford me what I’ve been affording… Capeesh?!
We are a two-income household and the thought of my income dwindling in any capacity is terrifying to me. I was the breadwinner for many years and it has been harder than you might think to financially depend on someone else over time. (Even my spouse.) I have worked since I was fifteen years old. When I want something, I buy it.
I have all the usual fears. Money, bills, etc. What if the blog doesn’t do well? What if no one subscribes? What if we go broke?
My head always takes me through the worst-case scenario. Unless, I acknowledge I may be thinking so negatively and so frequently that I might actually manifest my own worst fears!! So, I change the channel. In my mind, I force myself to think of other things. Positive, productive things that make me happy.
‘Changing the channel only works until it doesn’t. I should tell them that.’
Changing the channel works very infrequently for me. I can’t always relieve my intrusive thoughts. Some days I feel totally normal and others I simply can’t get up and go. It’s discouraging when it happens after you’ve been doing so well for a few weeks or even a month.
Full disclosure, I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I’m on prescription medicine, Cymbalta. I do somatic yoga half-heartedly and meditate once in a blue moon. I even bounce on a rebounder and still have some bad days. I’ve been to doctors and meet with my therapist on an as-needed basis which is roughly once a month at this point – or – whenever the fear of the unknown deprives me of the outside world.
‘Never thought I’d share that so broadly.’
I feel perceptible growth in my soul when I help my patients. I want to help more than just those people. I want to reach people like me; men and women struggling to move forward because the fear of impending doom keeps them caged. We need to talk about this shit openly for the betterment of our children and slay the stigma.
I prefer to focus on being a blogger and not a blah grrr, but these things aren’t always pretty. In many ways being a blah grrr inspired me to be a blogger. I might need to get dirty. I swear a lot and I’ll tell you things you don’t want to know.
‘Double Dog Dare Me!’
I want to nurture an open dialog about where these feelings come from. We should teach our anxious youth about the benefits of vulnerability and not keep everything inside. We live in a world where everything has to look perfect, but in life everything is so imperfect.
I have had my share of anxious moments. The kind where your whole body fills with heat and then a cold sweat. Unruly internal tremors. Not knowing if I’m about to pass out or throw up.
Number of times I thought I was having a heart attack and going to die?
Six.
Number of emergency room visits?
One.
Hubs was out of town with the big kid and I had the littler one. I drove us both. It was a shit show, but I survived. We survived.
It hasn’t been that bad in a long time, but I always have the fear of it returning.
‘Like a UTI in the night.‘
It’s so unpredictable. I did figure out that my personal “attacks” come when I have reached a point of calm. I always thought it would be when I was in a stressful, hard to manage headspace, but no. It’s during a time like the night I drove us to the emergency room.
A Friday night, curled up on the couch with my girl watching a movie. I couldn’t get comfortable. My chest was tight and I felt nauseous. Hot, then cold and sweaty. There was a moment I thought I was going to die. I was sure I was having a heart attack. I called 911 in another room to be sure not to cause concern for my little girl watching Frozen. They came and checked me out. I felt better after a while and went to the emergency room later out of extra precaution.
They can sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I never used to like to share, but I see too much benefit in it. Allow me to share my experiences with you. Subscribe and Share!
Thank you!
JD
